Nobody responded to my posts. Tough luck, huh? I think tomorrow I shall have to make some phone calls. David wants to play a show. Badly.
I still haven’t figured out if I’m coming home for the weekend or not. It’d be nice to stay for a weekend; then I could go to the Higgins Hall show this weekend and maybe even the play. I’ll have it figured out by tomorrow, but consarn it I wish I knew now!
This week, I’ve been feeling a lot happier — I can’t explain it. Maybe it’s because I fixed my sleep patterns. Maybe it’s because I’ve had so many test and stuff that I haven’t had time to fret about everything. Maybe it’s because I’ve finally realized how hopeless my chances with Erin is/was, and I’ve accepted that. Whatever the reason, I’ve been a lot more chipper. I’ve been talking to people, and making eye contact, and generally acting — though not exactly — like the guy I was my last year of high school.
My life still doesn’t seem to have a meaning. My future career teaching is a vague shape in the fog, the band rarely practices and nobody in Missoula seems to want to form a new one, my high school crush — with whom at one time I may have had a chance — has nearly fizzled, and my writing may never be publish. But I guess I’ve looked at that and told myself, that’s okay, I can only make it better. And I know that. I’ve finally started taking steps to stop moping about everything and everyone I left behind and to start enjoying life again.
Here’s a poem, entitled, “Acrostic”, that pretty much sums things up:
Every time I think of you , I will
Recall a million things (maybe a billion, I honestly can’t keep track)
I never said or never did. But my regret, powerful as it is, is
Not what I want to hold close to me:
It’s what springs to mind first, uninvited, as I may well have been.
Losing stays with us the more than keeping,
Like some sort of perverse memory, an instant replay of remorse. Still I shall
Make an effort to look past the regret lurking
Inside my heart, and try to
Summon what good there was. Believe me, there may be less of it, but it’s
Stronger and ultimately will prevail. Do not think for a single moment that
You ever put anything but a smile on my face. I frowned
Over you, but I did that of my own volition. I carved a frown from my smile.
Until I leave this world, — longer still — I will never regret opening my heart to you.
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