Dave Short

TheSpark tells me that I’m a woman; in fact, there are only 24% of people who’ve taken this test who are more womanly than me. This means that either 1. an army of short-haired, boot-wearing, man-hating she-males has taken the test or 2. I am a nancy boy. I tend to agree with the second conclusion, mainly because I’m sure that valley girl, makeup-ensconsed, prissy teen queens use TheSpark. And me.

So, in order to combat my unmanliness, I have come up with this six-point plan to combat my sissiness:

1. Watch More Sporting Events

Since I was a child, I have been horribly deficient in the watching-other-people-have-fun category. To my knowledge, there 156070 x10⁸ activities I would rather do than watching sports. Call me crazy, but I find nothing entertaining about a bunch of grown men running around in tight clothes and tackling each other. Sexy, maybe, but not entertaining.

2. Stop Asking Directions

I know this is a stereotype, but I’m not taking any chances. From now on, I will pick a direction and keep driving that way, never giving up or admitting I’m wrong or lost, no matter what, even if I’m going to New Mexico and I can see penguins out the window.

3. Start Eating Meat

I’ll level with you all. I stopped eating meat to get chicks. It’s a great conversation starter! But it’s just not manly. especially here in Montana, where everybody, even the girls, hunt and kill deer.

4. Start Working on Cars

This might be difficult, because I don’t have a car of my own and I’m terrified to touch my parents’ cars. So I figure I can start working on other peoples’ cars — people I don’t evne know. I’ll be like the car fairy, flitting from hood to hood, initially damaging the cars I tinker with but eventually being able to do some sort of repair, until I get shot.

5. Start using the word ‘fag’

Nothing shows how manly I am more than throwing hateful phrases at others because of my own deeply-hidden homosexual tendencies!

6. Start grabbing the breasts of random women

I’m really looking forward to this one.

7. Build Things

The only things I’ve ever built involve Legos. I want to be able to create monstrocities, things that can destroy major metropolitan areas.

And, most important of all:

8. Stop Writing in a Blog

I mean, c’,mon!!! It’s basically a diary, right?

PS — Dear diary! Today I ran into Judy Armstrong, and she is SOOOOO HAWT!!!1!!!onehundredeleven!1!!1 I hope she asks me out, but I just can’t wait… I’m sooo sad!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!