Dave Short

Current Listening: Bad Religion – “Billy” (No Control)
“But Billy was a lunatic just barking at the moon / and his brain was totally wasted / He then exchanged his friends for a needle and a spoon / And threw his future away”

Someone has got to tell the people that this whole cellphone thing has gone too far. Someone besides me, because this blog routinely gets fewer readers than can be counted on two eyes. It’s intolerable! Everywhere I go, you see some boneheads yacking to their bonehead friends on the bonephone. Never about intelligent or particularly pertinent stuff, either. The only conversations I hear on cell phones I hear involve drinking or the actual act of talking on the cellphone. One time I was crossing the Oval at UM and I saw a girl talking to her friend on the phone. “I’m right over here, Stacy,” she said (I assume her name is Stacy), “can you see me waving?”

And these people play games on these damn things, and take pictures. They take pictures. With a phone. And some of them play MP3’s! Then there are the ringtones. I tell you what, nothing’s cooler than telling the world how downright emo you are when your girlfriend calls you to break up and your cellphone’s ringtone is set to play a song by Thursday or Thrice or Story of the Year.

But something soon might take care of these people. According to some study or other, cellphone use can cut a man’s sperm count up to 30%. Of course, all the phones the scientists looked at were Plutonium, but that’s beside the point. The point is that, finally, the gene responsible for the need to always have a phone on you may be weeded from the gene pool.

And I can finally be spared the indignity of telling someone I don’t have a cellphone and getting ‘that look.’ For years now I’ve felt like the kid in elemetary school whose family doesn’t ‘believe in’ TV. You know, the kid who ate worms and now is probably a running for Congress on a sinister party ticket, like the Green Party? That’s how I’ve felt. But not anymore! Now I can look down on cellphone-using males: “No, I don’t have a cellphone, but at least I can knock somebody up in the old-fashioned sense.”

Of course, this could be a good thing. Cellphones could be used as contraceptives! This is a double boon — the guy doesn’t get a girl pregnant, and if somebody calls at the right time and the ringer is set to vibrate, the guy won’t have to do as much work!

Shit. Looks like not having a cellphone has screwed me over. Again.