Archive for the ‘Writing’ Category

For Cat Stevens

Wednesday, September 17th, 2003

For Cat Stevens

Where do the children play? It

Certainly ain’t here no more. Perhaps they are

Busy throwing rocks, brewing

Hatred, and sipping malitohv cocktails. It would

Be absurd to think they still drink

Tea with the tillerman.

He’s moved away; he’s gone to safer parts.

Would you blame him? Rocks litter

The tracks; in other places they have been

Warped. Smoking holes defy any passage

On the peace train.

Hey, Cat, it’s a wild world, innit?

One hellof a world(which is they all

Say where everyone will go). So maybe

The children have looked upon us, seen

The adults hurling rocks and insults, arguing,

Blowing each other

to bits. I hope they have seen this

And laughed.

Grownups can be so silly sometimes, huh Cat?

Lectures and Scenes

Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
Cool Link: Congress Eats Crow and French Fries
It’s about time. I hope France makes a big-ass stink about this. And to think, we elected these people. Nice way to look to the future, jackasses.
Current Listening:
Screeching Weasel: “The First Day of Summer”
A summer day

And I thought

I heard you say

It’s just another day

Watch it go by

Nothing much to report. I got my financial aid, which means my education will only cost $300 this term, instead of $3000. There’s a lecture about Milosovik tonight, which I might go to. I dunno, when an opressed people overthrow a dictator it goes unnoticed, but when the U.S. does it? Hm….

Acting class is getting pretty nifty. We started doing emotions, something we really didn’t touch upon in the 111 class. It’s nice working with people who want to act. Tomorrow, we get to act out actual scenes. And, if you can imagine, I’m not the only gung-ho person in the class!

I’m reading a biography of Bob Dylan. It’s really quite interesting; I never realized that so many supposed details of his past were merely the result of a façade. It still doesn’t change the fact that he’s an enormous songwriter. And has a sucky voice. Almost as bad as mine. 😉

Haiku

black ice and white mist,
streetlight ghosts hum noiselessly
while Missoula sleeps

Untitled
the tiny-
bird is up(no more)
on the ground

here a s
angui(sh)ned feat
her(e) a l e g bnet awk-
ward
ly
she will gr(ow)
ace the sk(wh)y no
more (Sweet songs) no
(head bobbing any)more
no


Fear God
Pre-marital sex
Thieves
Power-hungry women
Spineless men
Child-molesting homosexuals
Godless Evolutionists
Anti-Bible Bigots
Lying Penteco$tal$
Racists
Pro-abortion baby butchers
Cheaters
Sports fanatics
Cult of the effeminate intellect
Unbelieving Jews
Druggies
People that talk to pets more than GodMisc. heathens


I see your sign. And despite my
Best efforts, and though I might try
To resist, there is still a part
Of me that hates you in my heart.

That, my friend, is my greatest sin:
Somehow, somehow, somehow, you win.

Sonnet

Thursday, September 11th, 2003

Sonnet

Rain will fall on the Sapphires tonight,

Showering the mountains with dulcet drops;

Then sharing the moon’s course without its light

It will softly wet roads, trees, homes, and crops.

In the morning a calf will lap the dew

From the grass. While the rain falls, though, she sleeps.

Few will glimpse the moon — cold, high, dulled, tired, blue —

As countless crickets chirp and the sky weeps.

The clouds will shower upon all this dry land,

Earth from coast to coast suckling the sky’s breast.

Then they will pass on to wash clean the sea.

Once they have flown far enough to the west

You can see them and come to understand:

The clouds that cover you have rained on me.

Elevators

Wednesday, September 10th, 2003

Elevators

the elevators function as box-units:

self-contained, sturdy, safe.

up, and down, and up, and down, and up,

and down, and up, and down, and up again.

their only amusement is the occasional

breakdown, people trapped like Peanut M ‘n M’s.

are their only friends the repairmen who

come so infrequently?

what if your only friends were the doctors

who scrape your throat, make you cough,

and give you a little bottle of pills?

do they wish to escape? to break

the confines of their shafts? to move

horizontally instead of vertically?

we’ll never know —

those without voices rarely speak.

Untitled

Monday, September 8th, 2003

a complex dance.
it may seem mechanical, but there are
a thousand variations:
tic-tac-toe for the couple.
So we go through the motions,
Follow everyone else
(or be pioneers), falling into
a rhythm, predicable, but no
less pleasurable. we rise
and fall, come into and
out of focus, the pace increasing,
blood pumping, hearts clouded
eyes closed breathing staca
tto quick faster rapid hard
er deeper all concentra
ting on not doing so
untilallthatmatters
iswhatliesbe
foreusbet
weenusa
rushof
sensa
tion
but
not
of
fe
e
l
i
n
g
u
n
t
i
l

— OHHHHH GOD —

Now for Christ’s sake
A vacant stare.
Our thirst is slake:
Do you still care?

Tear

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003

Tear
blue a frown a bitter
sweet smile once a tear once
a torrent my rain it’s my own
a photo a kiss thunder sky tears
smoke spirits a tear LOUD MUSIC
a smile a touch a deep
bear hug cold cold nights in
mouths a tear
bounding bouncing shaking (shaking) moving
a silly song a warm
night in bed all dolled up
a tear we wear a tear
freed hair we care
a tear a thousand miles
a salty tear — it rhymes with
near (you’re not) a salty tear
— it rhymes with where (are you?)
I am not
a tear

Lost at Sea

Monday, September 1st, 2003

Lost at Sea

The wind whips up — its breath

warm — and I am whisked away.

Once in a while I drag

my legs to stall my movement,

but

I never kick to get myself anywhere.

A gull flies overhead and I shake

my fist (our hands are never so small

as when compared against flat horizons)

at him in a jealous fit. But he

flies on.

Storms come. The sea boils and I am

flung, a leaf wind torrent blown air.

Sometimes I dive as deep as I can go.

But my breath cannot hold for more

than a few seconds.

I see nothing anyway — it’s too dark.

Bermuda, France, China, Greenland:

I’ve been to each, but never

of my own volition.

Update and Poems

Thursday, March 13th, 2003

Sorry. Gotsta update this thing more often. I’ve been busy.

First, I’ve been working like mad to get the Nerds With Instruments website updated. I learned about Cascading Style Sheets on Wednesday and have been updating the website to include them. Now, I can switch color schemes by judiciously changing a few images a CSS files, as opposed to spending hours tweaking colors on thousands of HTML elements. Dave likes CSS.

I’ve also been writing poetry. Here is a sonnet I composed while eating lunch today:



I sold Satan my soul at midnight

on the crossroads (He did look quite a hoot

decked out in his wingtips and Armani suit);

all that I really wanted was a light,

but it was quite a treat to see that brute

cackling and chuckling with evil delight

(it was clear the fiend thought the price was right).

I showed no fear. I was resolute.

If he’s apt to trade a soul for a whim

(praying for the better end of the deal)

then he may collect after my last breath.

I forsee no torment after my death.

Lucifer believes his end was the steal.

I don’t want to spoil the bargain for him.

Here’s another one. It doesn’t have a name:



Down myriad aisles stretching miles long

Lie uncounted volumes, each one a door —

And one portal leads to a thousand more.

Here an adventure, there a book of song,

A tome of knowledge and a book of lore.

I yearn to leaf through them, to stroll along,

To grab a stack of books twenty strong,

Each one offers something new to explore.

Sitting on a couch, in a cozy nook,

I hear no hustle, no crash, no car horn.

It’s a silence of gold, of turned pages,

A moment lasting through untold ages.

My world seems neither hateful nor forlorn

It consists of only me and my book.


Pretty nifty, huh? I like the rhyme scheme (ABBABAAB CDEEDC). It’s a pretty simple one for the octave (the first eight lines), but the sestet is nifty: the “C” lines surround it, further offsetting it, and there is a third and final “sandwhich” quatrain in between them. The only problem I have is finding four A and B rhymes.

Speaking of boring pedantic stuff, in English we had a test. I hadn’t done any of the reading. I do not think I’ll get a good grade on this quiz; this time I’m serious. But I don’t care. As long as I get a ‘C’, I’m fine.

John called and I’m going to see “My Fair Lady” on Friday. I really don’t like going back to my alma mater so often (I went there last Saturday to see C.C.’s show, The Phantom Tollbooth), but John’s a buddy (and former Speech partner), so I’ll go. They only have two showings of it, though. I’d be pissed if I was in it and they only did two shows — they’ve been practicing since early January. Apparently, the school didn’t spring for performance rights for more than two shows. Typical.

Ha ha ha. My school is running Neil Simon’s Rumors for two weeks! And I have three stages! Not even the mighty Hamilton High School can top that!

Update

Friday, February 21st, 2003

Nobody responded to my posts. Tough luck, huh? I think tomorrow I shall have to make some phone calls. David wants to play a show. Badly.

I still haven’t figured out if I’m coming home for the weekend or not. It’d be nice to stay for a weekend; then I could go to the Higgins Hall show this weekend and maybe even the play. I’ll have it figured out by tomorrow, but consarn it I wish I knew now!

This week, I’ve been feeling a lot happier — I can’t explain it. Maybe it’s because I fixed my sleep patterns. Maybe it’s because I’ve had so many test and stuff that I haven’t had time to fret about everything. Maybe it’s because I’ve finally realized how hopeless my chances with Erin is/was, and I’ve accepted that. Whatever the reason, I’ve been a lot more chipper. I’ve been talking to people, and making eye contact, and generally acting — though not exactly — like the guy I was my last year of high school.

My life still doesn’t seem to have a meaning. My future career teaching is a vague shape in the fog, the band rarely practices and nobody in Missoula seems to want to form a new one, my high school crush — with whom at one time I may have had a chance — has nearly fizzled, and my writing may never be publish. But I guess I’ve looked at that and told myself, that’s okay, I can only make it better. And I know that. I’ve finally started taking steps to stop moping about everything and everyone I left behind and to start enjoying life again.

Here’s a poem, entitled, “Acrostic”, that pretty much sums things up:



Every time I think of you , I will

Recall a million things (maybe a billion, I honestly can’t keep track)

I never said or never did. But my regret, powerful as it is, is

Not what I want to hold close to me:

It’s what springs to mind first, uninvited, as I may well have been.

Losing stays with us the more than keeping,

Like some sort of perverse memory, an instant replay of remorse. Still I shall

Make an effort to look past the regret lurking

Inside my heart, and try to

Summon what good there was. Believe me, there may be less of it, but it’s

Stronger and ultimately will prevail. Do not think for a single moment that

You ever put anything but a smile on my face. I frowned

Over you, but I did that of my own volition. I carved a frown from my smile.

Until I leave this world, — longer still — I will never regret opening my heart to you.

Update

Monday, February 3rd, 2003

I sure was tired this morning, so I skipped History of Rock ‘n Roll. I handed in my AIS (fingers are crossed), and slogged through the next English class.

All this plays second fiddle to the waiting I’ve been going through. It’s been a week since I called Erin and poured my heart out, and I’m pretty sure she said she’d let me know by tonight. She didn’t call. To her credit, my roommate was on the phone during the half-hour that she tends to call, so I don’t know. I think I already know what she’s gonna say, and I’ve been pretty much accepting that fact for the last year, but I have to know. Y’know, I just want to be able to know if, when she finally gets ahold of me, if I’ll despodently accept what she says or — and in my mind this is a remote possibility — I can go “Woohoo!” and do some strangely arrhythmical dance. I guess I’ll call her tomorrow, if I have to, but I’d feel kind of weird. I almost literally dropped a bombshell on her last Monday, and she probably needs time to mull it over, still. Is it wrong to phone and say “Well?” That seems so… so… much like delivering an ultimatum. I just wish I knew the answer to that. I know I’ve been pretty much reactive in every aspect of staying in contact with her, but I just feel that I should give her time here, to make a decision in her own way.

The thing is that she really is an empathetic person, so it could be hard to tell me what I’m fearing. But this limbo, this Purgatory on Earth, is much worse than flat-out rejection.

All I know is that I screwed up, big time, majorly, Iran-Contra, and if I have a chance I will let her know what she should already know: that she’s the prettiest, brightest, gosh-darn swellest gal I’ve ever met and that every second I’m around her is (literally) a dream come true. These words look so hollow on the screen, but that’s only because I can’t find the right ones.

Anyway, I’ve got this, for whatever good it does:



I couldn’t tell which had become more wet:

The rain, drizzly, falling on field and farm

Or the perspiration — I mean my sweat —

Which created small lakes under each arm.

When I saw her, dazzling as always

I jumped, because I still wasn’t prepared.

I did not know smooth words the smooth man says;

I fumbled, squawked, and nervously I stared.

I was suff’ring, yes, and deathly afraid,

But was happier than I’d ever been.

‘Twas later I this observation made

Which dispelled almost all of my chagrin:

I realized, as we were saying goodbye,

Perhaps she was merely as nervous as I.