Archive for February, 2003

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Update

Friday, February 28th, 2003

Apparently, my band does have a show next Friday. I wish there was more time to promote it, but (to quote Mick Jagger) “You can’t always get what you want.” So that gives me stuff to do, as far as making ads and putting them up. I want to learn some new songs, but I doubt that’ll happen.

Also, John called. He’s having a geek-fest at his house tomorrow: a Star Trek marathon. Dave just might go.

Here’s something to add to the College-is-Easy file. On Wednesday in my British Lit class we were put into groups to answer questions about “The Lotus Eaters” by some guy whose name starts with a T (Lord Tyrannus… Darth Maul? Dave knows not). Anyway, none of the five people in my group had read the damn poem. We managed to BS our way through the discussion about it in class today, though.

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Update

Friday, February 21st, 2003

Nobody responded to my posts. Tough luck, huh? I think tomorrow I shall have to make some phone calls. David wants to play a show. Badly.

I still haven’t figured out if I’m coming home for the weekend or not. It’d be nice to stay for a weekend; then I could go to the Higgins Hall show this weekend and maybe even the play. I’ll have it figured out by tomorrow, but consarn it I wish I knew now!

This week, I’ve been feeling a lot happier — I can’t explain it. Maybe it’s because I fixed my sleep patterns. Maybe it’s because I’ve had so many test and stuff that I haven’t had time to fret about everything. Maybe it’s because I’ve finally realized how hopeless my chances with Erin is/was, and I’ve accepted that. Whatever the reason, I’ve been a lot more chipper. I’ve been talking to people, and making eye contact, and generally acting — though not exactly — like the guy I was my last year of high school.

My life still doesn’t seem to have a meaning. My future career teaching is a vague shape in the fog, the band rarely practices and nobody in Missoula seems to want to form a new one, my high school crush — with whom at one time I may have had a chance — has nearly fizzled, and my writing may never be publish. But I guess I’ve looked at that and told myself, that’s okay, I can only make it better. And I know that. I’ve finally started taking steps to stop moping about everything and everyone I left behind and to start enjoying life again.

Here’s a poem, entitled, “Acrostic”, that pretty much sums things up:



Every time I think of you , I will

Recall a million things (maybe a billion, I honestly can’t keep track)

I never said or never did. But my regret, powerful as it is, is

Not what I want to hold close to me:

It’s what springs to mind first, uninvited, as I may well have been.

Losing stays with us the more than keeping,

Like some sort of perverse memory, an instant replay of remorse. Still I shall

Make an effort to look past the regret lurking

Inside my heart, and try to

Summon what good there was. Believe me, there may be less of it, but it’s

Stronger and ultimately will prevail. Do not think for a single moment that

You ever put anything but a smile on my face. I frowned

Over you, but I did that of my own volition. I carved a frown from my smile.

Until I leave this world, — longer still — I will never regret opening my heart to you.

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Update

Thursday, February 20th, 2003

I really want to play a show, so I made some posts on ye olde Internet, and if people come through I should be able to make some calls tomorrow. Our last show was… unreceptive. I’ve written some new songs, damn good ones I think, and it’d be nice to learn them so we don’t have to play so many covers. I’m nervous when I’m playing, yes, but in heaven (hm… what have I describe like that before?). Plus, just getting up there, pounding off some songs, and getting into things will help me to… forget certain things that have been bugging me.

The last real show Nerds With Instruments had was in November at Higgins Hall. True, we had one in January, but it was a birthday party for a bunch of underclassmen… an high school ones at that. They weren’t the typical audience for a punk band, to put it lightly. Still we played well.

I just read that there is a series of underground tunnels here on campus that connect most of the buildings. Cool. I gotsta figger me’s a ways to get in thar. Nah, I don’t really want to go down there. still, it would be pretty awesome.

So I might not go home for the weekend. I might stay to see The Miracle Worker on Friday or Saturday night, depending on when tickets are available. I want to go home, just to play with the band, but since we rarely practice, I doubt this weekend would be any exception. I posted a thing on mtpunk.com, looking for musicians to form a Ramonish band, but probably nothing will come of it.

I’m feeling so empty in my life right now. I’ve always kind of felt that way, but especially now. Where am I going? Why? Is it worth it?

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Update

Wednesday, February 19th, 2003

Wow, talk about a diatribe, huh? It really does feel good to get what you’re feeling out onto paper (I mean pixels).

I had an exam in Psych class, but passed it easily. Thursday I have a geography exam, and on Friday I have a Rock ‘n Roll one. Plus, there were three papers I had to write over the weekends. I love how professors conspire to put all assignments due during the same week, then throw in some tests for extra measure.

I’ve written so many poems in the past three weeks it isn’t even funny. I really should look into getting them published.

I’m considering going to see The Miracle Worker. Shawn tells me it’s quite good. I need to do something besides sitting in my room waiting for the damn phone to ring.

Anyway, here’s one of the poems I wrote tonight:



“Doorstep”

the dark eve and the m

oment of hesitation

uncertainly lean

and her ey

es closed

and no

w mi

ne t

oo

a

nd

sude

nly, th

e world

is alive, all

things unspo

ken through o

ur

lips

It’s one of the more ‘normal’ ones, because I like to use odd spacing. HTML doesn’t allow for that, though.

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Valentine’s Day

Wednesday, February 12th, 2003

Well, I got some nice mail today: a cheque to give to the University so they don’t kick me out of Friday. I have to go in tomorrow and pay it. I kind of feel like a fugitive: the University keeps sending me direr and direr warnings to pay or be killed by Siberian Death Troops.

Speaking of Friday, I also got a package from Grandma; she always sends something on Valentine’s Day. It’s nice to get something. Since I don’t know what’s going on, I’m going to consider myself ‘despondent’ this St. Valentine’s Day. Usually, I feel ‘bitter,’ so there you go.

I’ve been debating whether I should send my favorite little lady a letter, at least. I just don’t know; I really don’t like being in limbo. And all these friggin’ red and pink and white hearts posted around the campus don’t help my mood very much, either. 😉 A letter would be nice (nothing mushy) but might also be a bit presumptuous. Plus, can I send it tomorrow and have it arrive by Friday? Dave doesn’t know. Dammit, now I’m writing in the third person, the same way Shawn speaks.

Psych class passed quickly today. I think I’m getting more and more interested in it, which means I like three of my classes (American Lit, Psych, History of Rock ‘n Roll) and dislike two (British Lit, Geography).

Besides this weblog, I haven’t written anything in two days now. I’m feeling a bit weak. Maybe my blitz of poetry-writing last weekend was a fluke. I kind of got an idea for a blank-verse poem in Psych, but am not looking forward to counting syllables.

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Update

Tuesday, February 11th, 2003

There’s a kid in one of my classes who talks like Elmer Fudd. I know I’m not supposed to laugh (he can’t help it, obviously), but it’s just kind of funny. Aren’t the things we find humorous bizarre?

Ugggh. I got an hour of sleep last night, so I napped from 2-5:30 this afternoon and from 9:00-1:00 tonight. I really need to fix my sleep schedule.

But I do have a great idea for a collection of short stories. They will be thematically linked by Highway 93; i.e. they will procede from north to south along the highway. Stories about all sorts of things, maybe about fifteen of them. Of course, I should concentrate on my academic writing first, but that isn’t nearly as fun!

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Update

Sunday, February 9th, 2003

So I’ve got the VCR all ready to record tonight’s episode of Undergrads, right? Now, this VCR is weird because you can’t hit Record on the remote, you have to hit the button on the unit. I know, stupid. So I hit record at the end of the show that precedes Undergrads, and then push pause. I tell myself that I’ll unpause at the end of each commercial, so I won’t miss any of it. Wouldn’t you know it, the damn thing doesn’t unpause! What kind of feature is that? So, I miss the first minute of the show… gr…. I knew that VCR would screw me over.

Then, after the show ended, I checked out the two episodes I downloaded last night. Guess what… one of them was the one that was on TV tonight! It never ends.

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Update

Sunday, February 9th, 2003

Yes, I’m alive. I’ve just been delving into the exciting world of poetry. I wish I knew a publication to which I could submit some of my poems. It’d be a delight to be ‘published.’

Dad and I went to Wade’s for a chili thing. There was supposed to be jamming, but no jammers jammed, jammit!

We watched Stand By Me tonight. “When the night, has come…”

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Update

Friday, February 7th, 2003

I think Houston, We Have a Drinking Problem is one of the greatest albums of the millenium. I can say that because the millenium is only two years old as of this writing. It’s definately a keeper. I wrote a great review of it for Amazon.com, but only found out after I submitted it that reviews become the property of Amazon.com. Oh, well. I didn’t put much effort into it anyway.

God, Geography was a boooooring class. Yuckers.

I wrote a nifty poem in Psych class. I managed to do it despite the activities we did. Of course, I didn’t finish it until I got back to my room. It’s about two pages long. It’s written in blank verse, and I think it came out rather well. I like it so much, in fact, that I’m going to work on it for about a week before I post it on my website. Maybe I’ll even get someone else’s opinion on it. It’s called “The Highway” and it’s about this game I used to play: you watch passing cars on a road and try to dream up a story for each car that comes by. I wrote it out by hand, instead of composing it on the computer, which is how I usually write poetry. There’s just something about a pen on paper, being able to tap your pen with the words to count the syllables, that MS Word can’t match.

We had a floor meeting tonight. There was free pizza, so that made me happy. There are a lot more guys on my floor than I would have thought.

Tomorrow I go home for the weekend. I hope that the band practices. It would be nice, for a change. I can actually stay up later than usual tonight because my Rock ‘n Roll class is canceled because they need the Music Building all day tomorrow. It’ll an an extra hour or two to my sleep schedule. I’m kind of feeling tired tonight, which is really weird, because I usually don’t feel tired until about four o’clock in the morning.

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Update

Thursday, February 6th, 2003

Well, I overslept a little today. My alarm clock went off, but it took me about twenty minutes to get up. I really need some sort of backup alarm clock, put in some out-of-the-way place where I’d have to actually get up to switch it off. It would work, because it takes a lot of effort to climb back into bed.

I talked to Brenner and told him that Mr. Kane sends his regards. He’s a really cool guy, and I’m really looking forward to having the class this semester. For one thing, the reading isn’t as voluminous as in my other English class. We read about one short story a day. More time is spent actually thinking about the text. It also turns out one of my roommate’s friends is in the class, too.

Then came the other English class. I find myself writing a lot of poetry there. Today I wrote four poems: “Moth”, “Having Observed Upon a Sunset”, “The Anti-Sonnet”, and “Holden.” Why do I feel so creative when I’m supposed to be learning?

I finally got my financial aid dealt with. Turns out my bill comes to $360.84.

Other than that, I’ve been working on the novel I started in October. I finished it last night (at around two-thirty in the morning) and am now going over it and editing, re-writing, and generally fixing it. It’s amazing how much I’ve improved as a writer in just five months. I’ll probably never publish it, but it’s nice to know I’ve actually written a novel. Working on the novel is a nice distraction from my other concerns.

Anyway, I don’t want to waste any more of my writing energy on some silly blog. 😉

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